


beneath the crown

by orphan_account



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Bulimia, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Scars, Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-27 02:53:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20753138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After the civil war, Nikolai and Zoya are left to face the demon in Nikolai. But as it turns out, there's more than one demon inside of Nikolai, and they're destroying him inside-out.





	1. the beginning pt 1

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this is my first story since like fifth grade mako mermaids fanfics, pleeease let me know what u think. i dont rlly know where i'll end up taking this story but it should end up being pr intense. it should take place sometime in the 2 years between ruin and rising and king of scars,. im only like halfway done with king of scars so if anythings painfully inaccurate i sincerely apologize. oKkKk bye

When Nikolai was ten, his parents signed him up for piano lessons.

There was no doubt it was to keep him busy. He never had any desire to keep still. He read his tutor’s books in a single night. He excelled in every subject. But no matter what, he had free time, and that was spent tormenting teachers and innocent visitors throughout the palace. The King and Queen just didn’t know what to do, so piano lessons seemed a good option. It was productive and simple.

And so they hired a commoner from the outskirts of Os Alta to visit every Sunday and teach Nikolai how to play the piano. They prayed to the saints that Nikolai wouldn’t ruthlessly torment the piano instructor, but it was almost inevitable. 

So on Sunday, he showed his first visit. It was hot, but not too hot. Summer was beginning to wind down, and students were cherishing their last days playing in the fields before they were to be thrown back in class, enslaved for the day. 

The man was big. He was very tall, easily towered over anyone who dared come near him, let alone little Nikolai. He was muscular too. He looked as if he should be out in the fields, lifting cows off their feet. He had no business playing piano.

But he was rumored to be a great player, and so he was hired, and began teaching Nikolai. They sat in a locked room, almost empty save for the grand piano to one wall and tapestries of the Saints strewn about, obviously hung recently in a futile attempt to make the place seem warmer. 

They sat together on the bench. The man introduced himself as Zephyr, and proceeded to teach him a few basic notes. It seemed well, and it was, up until his second lesson.

They were sitting in the same room, and Zephyr’s hands were on top of Nikolai’s, guiding his fingers to hit the right notes. Nikolai was having a hard time getting them down, and he was clearly exasperated. He tore his hands from Zephyr’s angrily, mistakenly hitting his face. Nikolai sat there, shocked. “Oh, I’m sorry.” But his instructor didn’t reply. He stared at Nikolai, his eyes baring into his. Nikolai was afraid he would get whipped. His father did that to him sometimes, on days that were particularly bad for both of them. “I’m sorry?” he repeated, in a smaller voice. He wasn’t that afraid of whipping, but this man was huge and intimidating, and Nikolai wasn’t stupid. 

That’s when Zephyr seized him by the wrist with his huge hands, and looked into his eyes. Nikolai shook with fear. “You’ll have to make that up to me.” he whispered. Nikolai nodded. He didn’t want any trouble with this guy.

Zephyr got up and hauled Nikolai up by his arm. “What are you doing?” Nikolai choked. Zephyr started to unbuckle his pants, and did the same to Nikolai’s. “What are you d-” Zephyr put his hand over Nikolai’s mouth. There was muffled pleading, and begging, but nobody heard. Even as pain coursed through his entire body. Even as he felt blood trickle down his legs. Eventually Nikolai went limp, tired of struggling. Tired of pleading. Even as Zephyr came in him, and after when he was left lying limp on the floor. He was there for a few minutes, Zephyr pulling up his trousers and watching over him, until Zephyr seized him from the wrist and dragged him up. He bent over, and whispered in his ear.

“You wanna go and tell Mommy and Daddy about this? About what your big old piano teacher did to you? Go ahead, and everyone will know how you’re a dirty little whore. You liked that, I know you did.” Zephyr released his grip on Nikolai’s grip, and he fell back onto the floor. Zephyr left, the door swinging behind him. Nikolai lay there, trembling, until he eventually pulled up his pants ran to his room to wash away the blood. It was all decently covered by his pants and shirt, and nobody was bothered by the young prince running through the halls looking like he’d just spent days rolling through jurda fields. It happened often.

He was never quite the same after that.


	2. the beginning pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a continuation of last chapter. this is the last child!Nikolai chapter but we'll visit him soon enough

He was never quite the same after that.

And it happened every single Sunday.

It was noticeable at first, he was quiet and still in class. He flinched away from touches. He refused to go swimming, wore bigger clothes to conceal his body.

And he stopped eating.

But he was praised for all of this. His teachers were so grateful for the change. How he failed to put rats in their hats and spiders in their shoes. How he stood still. 

“It’s normal that he won’t show his body much anymore, he’s a growing boy.” 

“It’s good that he’s losing weight, princes aren’t meant to be chubby.”

“Royalty don’t roll around in fields all day. Glad he’s finally learning that.”

But Nikolai ignored all of it. He woke up screaming at nights. Fainted a couple times in class. Vasily noticed his lack of appetite, and occasionally stuffed him with food. Nikolai was eleven when he stopped protesting. That was when he discovered he could stick two fingers down his throat to make everything come right back up again. On bad nights he would sneak into the kitchens and eat everything in sight, and then rush to the toilets to purge it from his body.

He was fifteen when his lessons stopped. That was when one of the servants walked in on them, Zephyr hadn’t locked the door. He was arrested. And Nikolai was forgotten. Rumors were spread, but the King and Queen hadn’t cared much. They claimed it wasn’t a big deal. It was just one time. Nikolai was a happy boy, he’d be fine.

What pained Nikolai, was that it all went over Vasily’s head. His big brother. The one who he had always looked up to, who had toddled after in his early years copying his phrases and manner, who he’d always envied, didn’t care.

Nikolai was fifteen now. He knew he had to get it together. He knew he wouldn’t be king, but he was still a prince. He had to learn to act like one.

So Nikolai stood up straight. He learned clever comebacks to his brother’s teasing. He brushed his hair, dressed nicer, and smiled. On every one of his worst days.

He ate more, which was the hardest part. He read up on eating disorders, spending hours buried in books. He was so deep into his. He assumed he was thin to the point of emaciated, even though he couldn’t see it. Nikolai got by wearing clothing that was several sizes too big, but he knew he couldn’t get past that anymore. He still wore long clothes, slightly big ones too, and never took them off in front of anybody. He choked down his food. He often threw it back up. He would fall back in deep sometimes, but he crawled back up. He never made it to the surface, but by the time he was eighteen, he had a solid facade. 

When he was sixteen, he started cutting. He had many hunting knives, so finding blades weren’t a problem. It started after a particularly hard day, a day of masks and lies and pretending while he felt as if he were going to collapse and vomit pure stomach acid simultaneously. He made one cut, then another, and another. By the time he was seventeen, cuts lined his arms, concave stomach, and legs. Words overlapped with numbers and lines. He was simply a mess. But he covered it with ruffles and silks and charm, and nobody suspected a thing.

And when he was eighteen, he met Alina Starkov.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will take place after siege and storm so sPoiLeRs iG // please comment + leave kudos so i actually have motivation to write yay


	3. ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this is later, sometime after alina and mal left, before king of scars. the timing of this fic is gonna be all fucked up, but eh, hope u enjoy

Nikolai awoke with a start. He had nightmares often, this wasn’t a surprise. He strained against his chains and sighed. He hated them. He hated not being able to move, he hated feeling trapped. After particular nightmares he awoke having panic attacks because of them, not being able to breathe and struggling against them until he either calmed down with tear-streaked cheeks or passed out from the lack of air. By the time Zoya found him, he was usually composed, or asleep. He slept a lot when he could, because the nightmares usually took that away from him.   
He slumped against the bed, trying to push away the panic and the urge to yank his chains. It wasn’t bad that morning. He would be okay.

Zoya eventually walked in, looking her usual gorgeous in her blue kefta. Her dark skin was dewy with the morning air, and the sight of her helped Nikolai calm down a bit.

She unshackled him silently. Nikolai slid off the chains and shook his wrists. “Can’t you guys coat these chains in cotton or something? They’re dreadful on my skin.”

Zoya shook her head. “Now where’s the fun in that? Get used to it Nikolai. They’re not going away.”

Nikolai huffed. He knew that. He knew the darkness in him wasn’t taking any vacations any time soon. He was getting used to the chains though, as his panic attacks did calm down. 

“Tolya and Tamar have called an emergency council meeting. Get changed and get down there.” She swiftly turned around and began to leave.

“Ah, no breakfast?” Nikolai whined, loud enough for Zoya to hear. He could sense her rolling her eyes from his bed. He was never one for breakfast, often picking at it until he had an excuse to leave, but appearances were very important.

As he stripped off his nightshirt, he thought. An emergency council meeting. What could qualify for one of those? He wasn’t expecting attacks from anyone any time soon. All had been quiet for a while. He was rebuilding his country the best he could.

He shook his head as he made his way down to the war room. He pushed open the doors, and saw Tolya, Tamar, Zoya, Genya and David talking around the table. There was a rather tall man leaning against it, with his back towards Nikolai. 

“Look who’s here.” Zoya announced, and the man turned around. He had rather long shaggy brown hair, and rather bushy eyebrows. Nikolai immediately knew who he was.

It was Colin, an old tracker. He grew up alongside Nikolai’s father, accompanying him on every journey since he was four years old. Nikolai hadn’t seen him since he was twelve. Apparently he got married to a young Shu girl, and they ran off together, something like that. But here he was, in front of Nikolai. 

“Hey there, woah, you’ve gotten big.” he hollered, his voice booming. He walked over to Nikolai, arms wide, for one of those manly hugs. Nikolai flinched away, eyes shut tight.

That was a habit he never could break.

He beamed at Colin, trying to cover up what he just did. Colin gave him a worried stare, and Nikolai didn’t want to look at anyone else’s expressions. “How are you?” Nikolai announced. “I haven’t seen you since I was- what? Twelve?”

Colin’s expression quickly changed, and he beamed right back. He was really intimidating to Nikolai, so big and gruff and hairy. He reminded him of someone very different, but he tried to push that thought out of his mind.

“How are you, boy? I see you’re a king now, a mighty handsome one too.” He ruffled Nikolai’s hair and Nikolai smiled, fighting his urge to wince and run away and oh saints the memories are coming back but he pushed it all away and smiled, fixing his hair.

“It’s all in the job description. I’m quite enjoying my position as handsome young king.” He replied.

“Now that you’ve had your reunion, we have important matters to discuss.” Zoya snapped, clearly troubled by whatever was going on. Nikolai took a seat next to her, as far away from Colin as he could. He couldn’t deal with his past now. His country was at stake.

Tolya cleared his throat. “The Shu have been planning something big. They have recently purchased multiple large fields in Novyi Zem, and there’s been news that a ton of Grishas have gone missing at our border.” Nikolai furrowed his brows. They’re experimenting further on Parem. They must’ve made some discovery if they’re increasing their stock.

Nikolai shook his head. “We could send people out there to see what they’re up to, but the security must’ve increased tenfold. And I don’t know who we could trust. We already have Zenik and the others out in Fjerda.” He caught Zoya’s look of worry. Nikolai knew she didn’t want Nina doing hard work when she was mourning, but Nina never was one for remaining idle. He knew it would eat her up.

“That’s not all though.” Tamar said, gesturing to Colin. The big man cleared his throat and began to speak.

“I was working as a tracker there, for the government. They hired me to find a certain type of bird. I’d never heard of it before, but i agreed. I found about thirty of them. But there was something weird about them. They all looked out of it. Like it was the morning after they drank too much Kvas, but more intense. When I heard the news of the Grisha and the fields-” 

No, it couldn’t be.

“I think they were on Parem.”

Nikolai was zoned out for a bit. He was pondering what this could do to Ravka. For- or against it. Could they have found a cure? It was all too much. He barely heard everyone leave the room.

“Hey! You in there?” Zoya snapped. Nikolai looked up at her and nodded. He stood to get up, but a wave of dizziness grabbed ahold of him, and he stumbled, gripping the table with white knuckles and leaning against it. “You okay?” Zoya asked him, looking concerned. Nikolai muttered a simple yes and left, gathering his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so just so yall know i dont intend on going in depth with the whole shu-parem-bird plot it was just something that came out of my head to justify shit. yeah im gonna keep going with it but dont expect a good story for that thing, but i do think its kinda cool and i could go in depth if yall want because i dooo have some ideas but otherwise i wont. please let me know what yall think!! peace out homies

**Author's Note:**

> please please please comment what u think and where u want the story to go!! even if its hate dude i appreciate everything lmaoo


End file.
